How Did I End Up Here?
I’ve always been a rule follower – I love order, systems, and achieving goals. My life was based on these “societal rules” – go to college, meet someone to share your life with, start a career, get married, buy a house, start a family. I always planned and envisioned it would all go that way without a hitch because I was following “the rules.”
Life was going according to plan- I graduated from MSU (Go Green!), met my husband there, landed my dream job, got married, had a baby girl (Emma), and bought a house. I was even fortunate enough to stay home with her while my husband worked. I spent countless hours playing with her, encouraging her development, hosting playdates, and going on field trips. It was the best job, and I felt so very blessed. When we would go out, I would notice other kids who were having meltdowns or who were unable to communicate like my daughter, and I would think to myself, “I’m such a good parent; look at how well-behaved and smart my daughter is.”
Two and a half years after baby #1, we welcomed baby #2 – a boy! We had the perfect family, a boy and a girl! I can still remember the day our son Jack was born and my husband holding him and saying, “I have a son, someone to go to football games with, someone to share my love of sports with.” Life was definitely a bit more hectic with two kids in tow. Time seemed to go by so fast, and then it hit a standstill. When Jack was a little over a year old, I started to recognize that he wasn’t hitting the same milestones that Emma did when she was his age. Was it because I wasn’t giving him the same attention I had given to Emma? Having two kids meant splitting my time. I started to feel guilty and amped up my time with Jack, focusing on nurturing his development. After some time, it was apparent what I was doing wasn’t working – he wasn’t even able to wave bye, which was something Emma did before the age of a year. At his next well child check, I brought this up to his doctor. He reminded me that boys develop slower than girls, and my girl was ahead of the game anyhow, so not to worry. He could tell I wasn’t comfortable with that answer, so he agreed to send EarlyOn out to make me feel better.
EarlyOn came every other month for an hour for a few months. They reiterated what the doctor had said – nothing to worry about, he has a slight communication delay, but he’s a boy and this is normal. They did mention in passing that at age two he would qualify for a special preschool, but it was still not required and most likely he wouldn’t need it. More time passed, slowly… Jack became a bit more challenging with his behaviors (tantruming, not sleeping well, running off in public). When age two approached, we enrolled him in the special preschool. After two sessions, the teacher pulled me aside and said, “I’m seeing lots of red flags for autism; I recommend you send him to Ottawa Area Center for further testing.”
Frozen. Devastated. Defeated. Guilty. Failure. Bad Parent. This was everything I was feeling, and these thoughts invaded my being. I did not know how to do this. Everyone said he would be fine. I was that parent I had judged who couldn't control their child. I had followed all “the rules.” Why was this happening to me?
Official Diagnosis of Autism. It didn’t take OAC long to determine by a team of too many people to count that Jack had autism – a lifelong disorder. I had failed as a parent. He would now go to school four full days a week. Emma was also in preschool two days a week. What was I supposed to do now that I was no longer taking care of my kids full-time? Sitting at home feeling sorry for myself and my situation was what I did for a long time, until I found some other people in similar situations through Autism Support of West Shore (ASWS).
ASWS helped me learn more about autism and helped me start to accept that it wasn’t something I did – Jack was Jack. I became an active member and enlisted my family and friends to get involved as well. The relationships formed through this group were instrumental to my own well being. They eventually led me to feel confident enough to shift my career to focus on serving the autistic community through the creation of The Shoreline Center.
Katie Radley
June 2024
